“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
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Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
why am I working on Labor Day
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
