Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
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ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
damn he’s good
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.