I want to run over my neighbor with my SUV. How can I do that without raising my insurance rates?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
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What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
GUY: How do you make a living?
FRANKENSTEIN: make a living what?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value