Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

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Dear Abby,

I want to run over my neighbor with my SUV. How can I do that without raising my insurance rates?


What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?


DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch


Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy


<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.


When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time


[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.


[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value