Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
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Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow