Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
You Might Also Like
We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search “scrotum” because people only post pictures using a medical name if there’s something wrong
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Me: I made a cake!
Me: It’s chocolate.
I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair
Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear
Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..
Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!
om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!