[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

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people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.


I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.


Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.


My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.


“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”


Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.


Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.


Instead of the Maternity Ward they should have called it
the New Releases section.