@KeetPotato

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

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@wolfpupy

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

@AGreaterMonster

I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.

@aissalanis

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

@OctopusCaveman

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

@jakob_huber

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

@UnFitz

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

@Tmoney68

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

@scottthetwat

Instead of the Maternity Ward they should have called it
the New Releases section.