[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
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my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Me as a therapist: omg same
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Did my cat write this
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?