*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
You Might Also Like
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro