[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks

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Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.


THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat


NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.


Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.


Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD


there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.


*hears that my 89 year old neighbor is in a nursing home now*

Flashlight, rubber gloves, and off I go for that shower chair!


The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too


I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.


I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity