[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks

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shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit


Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*


THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR… CLAUSTROPHOBIC MAN (runs into a phone booth) (runs out, crying) no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no n-


Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.


Hahaha stupid person… When it says 55mph it really means 64mph………Idiot turtle person


What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.


Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.

Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.


When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”


Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners


‘Tis the season to pull copious amounts of tinsel out of your dog’s butthole.