Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
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[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby