*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
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The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
*limbos under the caution tape
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.