@professorkiosk

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

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@icrushedmyhalo

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

@perlhack

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

@turtledumplin

When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.

-me, right now

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

@_correctomundo

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

@thatUPSdude

[first date]

Me: You into role playing?

Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind?

Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.

@LoveNLunchmeat

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

@platinum2000

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

@MoneypennyNaked

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.