@professorkiosk

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

You Might Also Like

@DarzieDAMN

My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know

@JoeBerkowitz

I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.

@tsm560

I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.

@Peauxtassium

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

@Mr_Kapowski

[restaurant]

Man *proposing to his gf*: “Will you make me the happiest man alive?”

[me, alone, eating nachos a table over]
“Not possible”

@Jandalize

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.