*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know


I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.


I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.


Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.



Man *proposing to his gf*: “Will you make me the happiest man alive?”

[me, alone, eating nachos a table over]
“Not possible”


My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.