*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.


when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today


When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.

-me, right now


My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.


I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.


[first date]

Me: You into role playing?

Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind?

Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.


The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.


[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone


[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.