My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.
I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Man *proposing to his gf*: “Will you make me the happiest man alive?”
[me, alone, eating nachos a table over]
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.