[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
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I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.