@coolauntV

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

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@Heldinchains

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

@OBiiieeee

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

@FU_TangClan

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

@ObscureGent

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

@English_Channel

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

@WilliamAder

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

@MIKhanX

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

@Mattmateee

remember at school when you pretended to be interested in a teachers social life just to waste time in lessons