[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

You Might Also Like


Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.


The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.


Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.


[Kool-Aid Man breaks thru wall]
Oh ya!
[breaks 2nd wall]
Oh ya!
[3rd wall]
[breaks 4th wall]
I’ve had many, many concussions


Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.


As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.


I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i’m doing better than every person in the movie.


There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.