You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
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*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
A PORK CHOP
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
These two books contain the sum total of all human knowledge
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Here we go again. #MAsnow ??
remember at school when you pretended to be interested in a teachers social life just to waste time in lessons