@coolauntV

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

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@SCbchbum

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

@BuckyIsotope

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

@Vodkantots

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.

@ewfeez

[Kool-Aid Man breaks thru wall]
Oh ya!
[breaks 2nd wall]
Oh ya!
[3rd wall]
OHHH YEAAHH!
[breaks 4th wall]
I’ve had many, many concussions

@AngryRaccoon2

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

@doktorj

As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.

@shutupmikeginn

I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i’m doing better than every person in the movie.

@IamJackBoot

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.