[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
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ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”