*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
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Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
sry
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
My time has come.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.