*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
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Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I ate everything, including the H.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.