*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
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“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*