sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
me and the Superbowl rn
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.