[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
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Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Personal question. #JustSaying
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]