@Knittykins

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

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@RichHarris2

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

@daemonic3

I’m a:
?man
?woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
?skateboard
?carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
?shred
?fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

@goulden_eye

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

@FeelingEuphoric

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

@Skoog

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

@BigJDubz

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

@PantsDonkey

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

@aka_fatman

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

@Brianhopecomedy

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

@Anyalachae7

Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says “probably just shitfaced.”