You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
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I’m wanted (wanted):
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says “probably just shitfaced.”