Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

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Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:


At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”



“Uhhh, OKCupid?”



I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.


I’m 30 but I still feel like I’m 20
Until I hang out with 20 year olds
Then I’m like no, never mind, I’m 30


I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.


*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils


I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible


woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk