There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
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Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Des Moines Police having a normal one
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.