Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

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yeah well i hope you go to put your hair in a ponytail but the hair tie is too loose to hold it & not big enough to tie it another time


[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.


Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.


Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.


Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.


My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled,” the guy last night made her scream louder.” Then it got quiet..


Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere


*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*