Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
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[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
crazy
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving