@haurdCider

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

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@hellolanemoore

yeah well i hope you go to put your hair in a ponytail but the hair tie is too loose to hold it & not big enough to tie it another time

@dave_cactus

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

@seamusmckracken

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

@usedwigs

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

@DanDoofus

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

@redhotirish75

My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled,” the guy last night made her scream louder.” Then it got quiet..

@MavenofHonor

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

@Marlebean

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*