Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
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Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Hey! This isn’t my car!