Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
You Might Also Like
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: Wake up
Me: We’re late
Me: The house is on fire
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[the last supper]
Jesus (wine drunk): never have I ever… ummmmm… betrayed a friend for money! lol
John: Hey Jude…
Paul: Don’t make it bad
George: Take a sad song…
Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[First time ever having sex]
Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?
*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris
Me: I was born ready.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.