@ceejoyner

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

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@ExitThaWarrior

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

@Social_Mime

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

@ACartoonCat

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

@SirEviscerate

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

@JuliaHeinlein

[the last supper]

Jesus (wine drunk): never have I ever… ummmmm… betrayed a friend for money! lol

@SortaBad

John: Hey Jude…

Paul: Don’t make it bad

George: Take a sad song…

Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between

@sarabellab123

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

@drinksmcgee

[First time ever having sex]

Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?

*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris

Me: I was born ready.

@rolldiggity

It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.