Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
You Might Also Like
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
some Old Testament wisdom
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”