Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
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Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
*seductively corrects your posture*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜