Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
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o shit
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself