#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
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the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
this is what they would have looked like, though
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA