Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
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Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
#gardening
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Just a reminder, folks:
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.