OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
You Might Also Like
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.