@EndhooS

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

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@sucittaM

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

@jjmick45

I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA

@ArfMeasures

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

@xysist

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

@ThisLocalHater

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

@Holy_Mowgli

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

@heatherlou_

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

@Birdhumms

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

@BackrowSeats

The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.

@sofarrsogud

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression