Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
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Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Sooo many times…..
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.