911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

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Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.


I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA


ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon


For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.


Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor


Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?


Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?


The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.


NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression