@jwoodham

Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can’t and they don’t, so here we are. Stupid land birds.

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@HansGrubertron

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

@joejwest

COP: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea
SUSPECT: Is it bring your kid to work day?
LITTLE GIRL: [slams fist on desk] Answer the question

@mommajessiec

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

@Brentweets

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

@Tommytoughstuff

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

@TheBoydP

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”calamitygina”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3500139565/481993e5347fcad3e98d66cc4c9f4ded_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”222056070812676097″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:135:”Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@galiamango

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

@joonloons

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.