me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
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#liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
“Kids, I found a campsite!”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist
I was late to work because I was having car trouble.
And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.