High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
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[male bank teller gives my niece a sucker]
Me: What do you say?
Niece: My aunt’s single, do you have money?
Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?
In hell your pizza delivery guy is a snail.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
The awkward moment when Lady Gaga has no idea what to wear for halloween.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Super Hand Dog Face
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet