OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
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Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Gemma Correll
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
*seductively eats two tums*
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.