other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

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Considering we’ve produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I’m more surprised other countries haven’t built a wall around the U.S.


reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too


Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”


me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and experience parties and everything!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store. i got a mango for 39¢


1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.


I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.


If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.


The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.


When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”