I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
You Might Also Like
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.