other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
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Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Sing it!
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
damn he’s good
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Cashiers are always checking me out
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.