@murrman5

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

You Might Also Like

@Phook75

Considering we’ve produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I’m more surprised other countries haven’t built a wall around the U.S.

@finah

reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too

@martyntanton

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

@EFFLORESCENE

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and experience parties and everything!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store. i got a mango for 39¢

@Lhlodder

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

@GetCougarized

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

@patnspankme

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

@ddsmidt

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

@TheTweetOfGod

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”