@murrman5

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

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@KalvinMacleod

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

@LostFelicia

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

@ixix82

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

@darksidedeb

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

@obijawn

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

@TheNYAMProject

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

@BrownDogBlanket

I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?