Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
LA today:
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ