Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
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[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true