My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Coffee is ready.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”