Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
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The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
True
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans