Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
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If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.