OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
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*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now