“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
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Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Is this a threat?
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 馃槗
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler鈥檚 Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don鈥檛 listen to her, she鈥檚 drunk
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
This should not be this funny I am sorry馃槶馃槶馃槶
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
If you don鈥檛 like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.