@DumbConfessions

“OUI!!”

-French Canadian on a water slide.

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@tastefactory

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

@adamallday

About to finish my second book of the day!

And when I say book, I really mean magazine.

And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.

@WilliamAder

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

@Hey_Sascha

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

@empressofsong

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

@_salt_n_lime

My headphones died when I got to the gym so obviously I’m eating donuts now instead.

@PaperWash

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

@Jackson5toLife

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

@AmishPornStar1

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?