@DumbConfessions
@tastefactory BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
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@tastefactory 
@adamallday About to finish my second book of the day!
And when I say book, I really mean magazine.
And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.
@WilliamAder Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
@Hey_Sascha Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
@Eagle_Vision I didn’t know Sony was hiring.
@empressofsong I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
@_salt_n_lime My headphones died when I got to the gym so obviously I’m eating donuts now instead.
@PaperWash God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
@Jackson5toLife I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
@AmishPornStar1 Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?