@DumbConfessions
@mom_tho
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
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@mom_tho
@meganamram
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
@Pro_Jones_
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
@Mikecanrant
*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*
There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.
@iamspacegirl
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
@supermarkusa
I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair
@drinksmcgee
Mumford & Sons is my favourite upholstery shop turned musical act.
@stevevsninjas
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
@mikejanson2
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
@lawyerthoughts
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.