BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
-French Canadian on a water slide.
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About to finish my second book of the day!
And when I say book, I really mean magazine.
And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I didn’t know Sony was hiring.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
My headphones died when I got to the gym so obviously I’m eating donuts now instead.
God: kill your son
God: holy shit I’m jk
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?