brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
-French Canadian on a water slide.
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To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*
There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair
Mumford & Sons is my favourite upholstery shop turned musical act.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.