“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Breaking news:
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums