How I’d get arrested…
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Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
how long have you had this for?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??