It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
*Ouija board begins spelling*
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”
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Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
7: mommy can I play on your computer?
7: what do you mean by later?
Me: I’m hoping you forget.
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.