@crylenol

*Ouija board begins spelling*
H-A-V-E_S-O-M-E
“Ooooh, spooky”
G-R-A-N-D-C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”

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@Fickle_Filly

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

@realHamOnWry

Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.

@Jeffwni

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

@TheBoydP

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

@ifuseekamynow

7: mommy can I play on your computer?
Me: later
7: what do you mean by later?
Me: I’m hoping you forget.

@DanMentos

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

@Cyd10e

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

@justmiche74

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

@carlyken

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

@Jamberee13

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.