Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
You Might Also Like
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.