Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
ok like just. call me at this point
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*