[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I’d hang this in my house.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”