I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
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You are not alone 💚
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
How I like cutting carbs
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*