@SuperTeeWhy

Ouija board just told me it’s still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die

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@phalguy

How do Tie Fighter pilots see sideways?
How do Stormtroopers go to the bathroom?

*Star Wars thoughts that keep me awake at night.

@smickable

My mom is having a hysterectomy. This is like the time I moved away to college and she tore down my childhood bedroom.

@TitansHomer

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

@NoticablyBacon

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

@Darlainky

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

@imdumbledaddy

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

@MyPornKhan

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

@trumpetcake

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

@HatfieldAnne

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils