Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
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I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Can’t. Being lazy.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
is it earth
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.