@jonnysun

[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

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@FrogAvalanche

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

@CodyCoconuts

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

@sammyrhodes

“You know what would make a good gift for this 3yr old? A harmonica.” – people without kids

@mrtruthandsoul

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

@dadopotamus

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

@Mom_Overboard

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

@unravelingfire

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

@doguacate

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog