“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
“shh its working”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
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to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
me: I’m gonna work from home today
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.
Baffled by bra hooks.