[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
You Might Also Like
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk