[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
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The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME