[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
You Might Also Like
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
“What?”
– Jude
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.