[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?

Me: *your


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“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]


Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…


Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says “Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!” & starts crying


if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”


My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.


Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.


*first date*

Her: I like bad boys

Me: Could you hang on a minute?

*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*

Me: Go on…


No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.


Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”