Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I’m not lazy