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Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
A leaf blower, but for people.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Just this preview of the story is enough