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Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.


I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.


Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich


And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.


My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.


“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”


Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning
“You mean Diabetes?”
Ooh look at me, I’m a patient that knows all the diseases ooh


Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar