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@DevilryFun

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

@Rollinintheseat

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

@bornmiserable

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

@JohnLyonTweets

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

@dixonshuman

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

@SortaBad

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

@DillDoes

Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning
“You mean Diabetes?”
Ooh look at me, I’m a patient that knows all the diseases ooh

@ArfMeasures

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar